the heart of the story
by Seph Meadowes
Summary: Essays, comparisons, theories, manifestos and all the rest about a show that bit me and never let go.
1. Lethally Blonde

_**Lethally Blonde: Caroline Forbes and Rebekah Mikaelson comparison**_

Caroline Forbes and Rebekah Mikaelson are two of the most loved characters on the show, fan favorites with the Barbie doll looks and the snarky quips and those hot guys that can't help but revolve around them. At first glance they appear identical, foils of each other and in a lot of ways they are but they're not the same. I'm writing this to point out what makes Caroline and Rebekah their own individual character and not just a cop out of one another with simple compare and contrast.

**History: Pre-Turning**

Caroline Forbes was born to Bill and Elizabeth Forbes, the latter is the Sheriff. She's seventeen at the start of the show and in the first few episodes of the first season we see glimpses of her troubled relationship with her parents and her insecurities regarding her friend Elena especially when Stefan rejects her advances. Her world begins to get complicated when she meets Damon and he begins to use her for his own nefarious means.

Rebekah is born centuries ago when the Vikings migrated and was one of the early families who settled in what would later be called America. She has plenty of siblings, all different in their own ways and she lives a peaceful until the death of her younger brother Henrik which is the catalyst for her parents to create the ultimate crime against nature.

Right away, there's already some key differences between Caroline and Rebekah.

Caroline is very confident, even tactless where she makes careless remarks about Elena's parents' death without even considering what she is saying. She lets her mouth get away with her, foot constantly in it. She's headstrong and aggressive with what she wants, she's sure of herself and what she wants. She went after Stefan (though again, he rejects her) and then Damon.

We only had one episode of Rebekah as a human but from what I was able to gauge, she was nothing like Caroline. There was this innocence to her, this softness with how she smiled at Klaus when they were in the cave comforting him. She was very soft-spoken and that may have to do with the time's standards on women but Rebekah was nowhere the femme fatale she would become.

**Personality**

Caroline is described by Tyler as "She's an insecure, neurotic little bitch but the girl's got heart. She means well". And he's right. Caroline is insecure as I'll later point out with her relationship with Elena. She's neurotic as she obsesses over small things even when there are bigger problems like death and so. She's a bitch. Yes, at times especially in the first season with her constant fumbling to say the right thing and failing and sometimes disregard for other people feelings .But half-way through the season, she's become a bitch in a good way.

She's badass. She pushes Damon to the ground and saying "You suck". She tricks Katherine and waves coyly with a "Goodbye, Katherine". She kicks Mason's ass in a fight "I can take you". She rejects Klaus' advances telling him that "I'm too smart to be seduced by you". And many more.

And of course, she's got heart and she always means well. Caroline's the friend who's not afraid to tell you the truth. She's honest and real and she never fools anyone (unless needed). She has moral fiber in her where she always chooses to do the right thing no matter how inconvenient it maybe for her. She pities even Klaus who she blames for every bad thing that has happened to her and her friends. Despite that she manages to feel a pang of sympathy for him and that shows how big her heart is.

Rebekah is the only girl in a large family and has a certain spoiled air about her, Klaus calls her a brat and Kol calls her a strumpet. Rebekah shows a persona of perfection and arrogance. She makes people believe that she revels in her superiority about being a vampire and confidence in her beauty.

Can Tyler's description be used on her? Yes and no.

Is she insecure? Yes. As she reveals to Stefan "It's all an act". Rebekah wants nothing more than to become human again. She wants someone to love her despite her imperfections, despite her emotional scars, she wants to be loved for who she really is and not her being an Original vampire, or Klaus' sister or a means to an end. She desperately craves attention and love and is tragically unsuccessful at every turn.

Is she neurotic? Hell yes! Being on the run for hundreds of years can do something for one's paranoia. She's afraid of being alone, of never being loved, of being betrayed every time she opens up to someone. She doesn't want to hurt anymore but is powerless to stop it and she acts out in the worst ways possible.

Is she a bitch? Haha, yeah. Rebekah has her moments. She can certainly be meaner than Caroline. She's snarkier, nastier, crueler, and more vindictive and has a flair for bloodshed only shared by her siblings. Once she dislikes someone, she finds out how to make them hurt and extorts it in every way possible. She's not afraid to get even and even when she does sometimes it's never enough.

But does she have heart? Does she mean well? Rebekah does have a heart as Elena put it "She loves blindly and recklessly even if it consumes her". And Rebekah has shown time and time again that she has the ability to care for someone other than herself, particularly Klaus. And I think at the end of the day, she does mean well and she does want to do well but it just gets lost in translation. She has problems relating to people like Klaus but not because she doesn't try to understand, she does, but because they refuse to understand her.

They're both beautiful and a little crazy but at the end of the day, they are complicated and fascinating and we all want to give them big hugs and tell them it's going to be alright.

So those are the similarities between Caroline and Rebekah but what about the dissimilarities?

Caroline and Rebekah represent the blonde stereotype both blonde and beautiful cheerleading types who have boys running after them and thinks they're above it all. Caroline's the blonde bombshell while Rebekah's the ice-cold blonde. Caroline's Quinn Fabray and Rebekah's Kitty Wilde.

Caroline is Quinn because she starts of rather insufferable and then evolves and becomes this sympathetic girl who has the ability to make every boy that falls for her into a better person. Caroline is a joy to be around, her sheer lightness and hidden softness under so much strength makes her irresistible to all those boys so you can't blame Tyler and Klaus for wanting to be near her.

Rebekah is Kitty because she's vicious. She goes after what she wants and she's willing to destroy anyone to get it. She never properly feels sorry for it afterwards because she feels right in her deeds and who ever she hurt deserved it. There's a sadness hidden under all her bravado and she's sad, wounded and lonely. She wants somebody to love her, to pick her for once and to not turn her back when things get difficult. Her neediness and problematic behavior turn off boys and she finds herself, painfully, horribly alone.

Caroline and Rebekah both wanted (or still do) at some point to find somebody to love them. Caroline succeeds while Rebekah fails.

**Parents**

Caroline's relationship with her family pre-show is not very dwelled upon. What we see firsthand is her mocking her mother with the knowledge that her dad decided to spend time with his new lover instead of going with them to the Founder's Ball. Next, Caroline is brooding in her room after Damon tried to kill her and Liz tries to comfort her with offering some advice about boys but Caroline rebuffs her coldly. Then she's showing Liz her career plans about going into journalism and her mother balks, remarking, "But you don't even read the paper!". Caroline is annoyed at her mother's lack of support and walks away. After Caroline's kidnapping though, we see Liz stroking Caroline's head while her daughter slept.

It's clear that Liz Forbes cares for her daughter but is just not able to communicate it properly. Caroline is disdainful of her mother, resentful and it's only after she's turned into a vampire do they reach an understanding.

Caroline and her Dad make us all cringe at first, don't they? How can we forget Bill torturing her in that chamber for hours, trying to 'fix' her of her nature, ignoring Caroline's pleading and probably wouldn't have stopped if Liz and Tyler hadn't come into save the day. It seems almost bizarre that Caroline would even defend her father from Damon when just a little while ago, he was literally scalding her and drugging her with vervain. But as we all know, Caroline is an immensely forgiving person and her farewell scene with her father was very well done with him telling her that she was everything he and her mother hoped she grew up to be and confirming that he was proud of her.

Rebekah's parents remind me of the married couple in American Beauty. No, not Lester and Carolyn but their next door neighbors, Frank and Barbara Burnham.

Like Frank, Mikael appears to be a hard father, not against physical abuse and making sure that his children grow up how he wants them to. He is especially hard on Klaus who he berates for playfully sword fighting with Elijah in the flashback. He later on would persuade his wife to commit a crime against nature and turn them into what she would call 'abominations'. It's no surprise Mikael's ruthlessness, he's a Viking after all and he had one goal – to keep his family safe. It's a simple and understandable desire but his desire was tainted with revenge and ignorance of the consequences, he doesn't even ask his children if they are alright with his plans before stabbing them through with his sword.

Mikael appears as a really uncaring father, cruel and heartless. But there was a scene in the third season where he speaks to Rebekah and explains that he was never after her but just Klaus. There was a spark of fatherly feeling, faint but still there. Though spending a thousand years hunting down the boy he raised as his own is rather senseless. Being mad at Klaus for not being his is cruel, if he should be mad at someone it should be Esther as she's the one who was unfaithful instead of a boy who could not help whose blood ran in his veins. Mikael's rejection of Klaus drove the boy to a barrage of issues and shaped him into the monster he became. Mikael was Dr. Frankenstein and Klaus was his monster.

Rebekah's resentment of her father is understandable. She loves her brother and resents Mikael's cruelty and biased treatment of Klaus. As she said, "He was brother. If you were after him, you were after me". Rebekah would always remain loyal to Klaus and her father became her enemy because of that.

Esther's first scene is shown where she mourns over Henrik's body and later where Mikael persuades her about the vampire ritual. Like Barbara, she follows what her husband says, even at the cost of her children's humanity and sanity. Though there had to be more to Esther, a hidden side where she would risk having an affair, carrying the child to turn and passing it off as her husband's. By all means, such a deed is unforgivable even today. She single-handedly caused the rift in her family by that act alone. She doesn't object to Mikael's crazy plan and sacrifices the life of Tatia, the girl her sons love for the ritual in order to stop their fighting. When she comes back, she is focused on nothing but 'righting' her crimes against nature by slaying her children. Her single-minded thought and ruthlessness matches her husband's perfectly. Together, they are destructive and should've never had children.

There's not a proper scene between Rebekah and Esther where they talk one on one (not one I recall anyway). But Rebekah must've loved her as the truth about Klaus killing her deeply saddened her and pushed her to even plot against the brother she swore to remain loyal to. When Esther comes back, Rebekah rejects the idea of her mother planning against them to Elijah citing, "She's our mother. She loves us". She's obedient to her mother shown where she has Kol hurt Matt because she doesn't want to get into trouble. She doesn't seem to affected by Esther's death though and doesn't talk about it with her brothers.

The situations with their parents have some similarity. One parent became unfaithful and brought consequences, some more severe than others but the main difference between Caroline and Rebekah's parental relationship is that Caroline patched things up with her parents in the end, Rebekah's parents devolved into their petty vendettas until they were consumed, leaving Rebekah more damaged by it.

**Siblings**

Caroline is an only child and had a selfish quality to her as all only children tend to exhibit. Stephen, her father's lover, had a daughter but Caroline seemed to not care much for her and the closest thing Caroline had to siblings were her friends, Elena and Bonnie.

Caroline was insecure and jealous of Elena, from her unrelenting ability to make guys follow her like puppies to the sheer fact that Caroline always felt inferior to her. Elena is Serena to Caroline's Blair. As Jenny put it, "Blair you worked hard for everything you have, Serena just glides through" which is similar to Caroline's "She's always the one that everyone picks for everything and I try so hard and I'm never the one". Caroline views Elena as her rival in popularity, looks and romance. The competition between the two only dissimilates after Caroline's turning when she finally feels comfortable with herself.

Bonnie is Caroline's best friend and I know some of you say it's Elena but I disagree. Caroline trusts her explicitly to get her home when she's drunk, to tell her she's pretty when she feels ugly and gush about boys with her. Bonnie is devastated when Caroline becomes a vampire and is cold to her for a bit for a while but they overcome this struggle when Bonnie realizes that Caroline is still the same person she was. Caroline and Bonnie get along better than she does with Elena, it's easier and they're honest with each other and agree on things like both believe Damon is a jerk.

Rebekah has distinct relationship with each of her brothers.

Elijah is her eldest brother and as such she looks to him to be the sane and stable one as he usually is. Elijah trusts her enough to ask her specifically about whether she thinks their mother is planning something when he learns she did a privacy spell. Rebekah seeks comfort from Elijah when Klaus is 'killed' by Alaric. Their relationship is trusting and easy albeit a little distant at times.

Finn died before we could even really properly see how Rebekah's dynamic with his was. He does smile when Rebekah mockingly says to Kol "You know I can't be compelled" and it implies that he enjoyed her sense of humor and that they may have gotten along.

Klaus is Rebekah's favorite brother, she never said it but it's obvious. They've always had a bond and Rebekah remains loyal to Klaus aside from a few lapses here and there. She chooses Klaus' side over Mikael's and spends hundreds of years running with him. She loves him and he's protective of her, skeptical about the boys she cavorts with and though cruel to her at times, does care about her. Klaus does tend to take Rebekah for granted, expecting her to be unrelentingly loyal to him, saving Caroline over her and daggering her when she was no longer of any use to him.

Rebekah's relationship with Klaus is the most complicated of all her siblings as their push and pulls always winds with her getting hurt or stuffed into a coffin for a few decades. And I'm not even going to even try and defend Klaus cause it's futile. Rebekah depends heavily on her brother, she was completely torn up when he was 'killed' and hurt when he saved Caroline over her. And she will always choose him, no matter how much it hurts her.

Is it wrong? Maybe. Is it painful? Yes? Does he deserve it? Absolutely not? But is it beautiful to watch? Definitely.

Ah, Kol. Kol is the youngest living male Original and the closest with age to Rebekah. Growing up, they must've spent a lot of time together. I could see Kol making a mess of things and dragging his baby sitter into it like a brunet Dennis the Menace.

His mischievousness and penchant for trouble is for shown when Rebekah asks him if he could help her with Matt and he agrees at the idea of disobeying their mother. Kol has the temperament of an adolescent boy - Impulsive, rebellious, thrill-seeking and at times cruel. Whilst Rebekah likes to break the rules as when she mentions wearing trousers at a time it wasn't appropriate or upstaging Caroline by suggesting a 20's decade dance and joining the cheerleading team. She gets Tyler to feed on a human girl and compels her own fashion show.

Rebekah and Kol act closest to their age and an immaturity to them despite their age. Kol likes to tease Rebekah and she threatens to hurt him, throwing shoes at him and the like. They like having a go at each other and also teaming up to cause havoc like torturing Shane for information. They have fun around each other. That is of course until they disagree on something.

Kol disapproves of Rebekah's change of heart with Matt, citing that "Settling for mortals is the first sign of weakness". Rebekah has admitted herself that she longs to be human while Kol revels in being a vampire. She wants to find the cure while Kol is steadfast in his belief, doing so and reawakening Silas is a bad idea. This 'small' disagreement causes them to even go against each other and Kol even attempts to kill Rebekah which shocks her. But even after this, Rebekah is crushed when Kol is killed, denying the very idea of his death as a reality.

Caroline and Rebekah are both loyal to their or who they consider are siblings even to the point of getting hurt when their loyalty is not returned. The main difference is that Elena and Bonnie have always been there for Caroline, they (mostly) remain loyal to her and treat her the same. Rebekah's brothers have at times abandoned her and have cast her aside at times even going as far as trying to eliminate her to get her out of their way.

**Friends**

I have already explained Caroline's relationships with Elena and Bonnie above so I will point out her relationship with her other friends instead.

Stefan is Caroline's male best friend. It happened the moment he took her to the bathroom, wiped blood of her face and promised her he would not let anything happen to her. Julie Plec has described her as his new Lexi and both Candice Accola and Paul Westley have admitted to enjoying having their characters do their ping-pong affect. Stefan calms Caroline, grounds her and even is the one to comfort her after she gets kidnapped and tortured by werewolves, knowing that bringing Elena and Bonnie over would be what she needed. He understands her and enjoys her company, she makes him laugh and she makes that moody look on his face go away.

Damon's relationship with Caroline will be delved unto later in the **Romances **section. As well as Matt and Tyler.

Jeremy is Elena's younger brother and in her head he would always be her friend's younger brother. The first time she talks to him was when he admits to sleeping with Vicki Donovan and she laughs at him, refusing to even believe it. Maybe in her head, Jeremy's still that little boy who drew with crayons on the wall. We know who those boys are and that's the reason why no romance ever sparked between them. Caroline is nice to him though, inviting him to Duke's party and dragging him to watch Gone with the Wind to cheer him up over Jenna's death. She's like another older sister to him.

Rebekah doesn't appear to have any real friends but I guess if you had a family as fucked up as hers, you would have problem opening up to people too though her closest thing to a friend has to be April.

Rebekah is genuinely surprised when April helps clean the house after Rebekah's party and Rebekah finds a kindred soul in her over their loneliness. Rebekah over having basically no one and April who has spent year at boarding school and now lives in an empty house. Rebekah is indulgent of April, offering to help her to find out about her father's death and revealing the whole crazy shebang about the town. April is the one to undagger her and Rebekah playfully says 'dibs' on Matt whom they are both interested in. Though with Rebekah's history, it won't be long before April turns on her as well.

The main difference is that Caroline has a lot of true friends and a good support system while Rebekah does not.

**Romances**

Caroline's first romance on the show is Damon. He initially uses her to get into Stefan's life again and to torment him. He abuses, manipulates and feeds on Caroline and does so without remorse. Even after they become sort of friends, he doesn't apologize about his behavior and Caroline clearly hasn't forgotten as with her disapproval of Damon with Elena. He tries to stake her when she turns and neglects his duties as her sire. Their relationship is rocky and Caroline will never properly forgive Damon for how he treated her and Damon doesn't really need her forgiveness anyway. Still, Damon has began to think highly of her as seen when he says that anyone would want her on their side when it came to it.

After Damon, there was Matt who swooped like a white knight when Damon made Caroline feel bad about herself. He listens to her drunken ramblings, takes her home and stays the night with her so she wouldn't be alone. Then he ignores her, she calls him out on his shit and they take things slow. They try to remain friends but eventually it becomes something more and for a small time, it is sweet and lovely and maybe Caroline finally found her prince charming. Matt wasn't a prince though, at least not hers. He struggled with her insecurities about Elena and couldn't really understand her. He would miss an important event for her (Miss Mystic Falls pageant) and he disliked her lying to him, unable to take the reality of her being a vampire and breaks up with her. After that though, they seemed to realize that they really are better off as friends.

Tyler and Caroline were my OTP, or at least they used to be before the third season and I threw in my hat. In season one, they were always at each other's peripheral vision, sometimes interacting because of Matt and then Tyler triggers the werewolf curse and Caroline becomes his rock against the tumulus tide that was his fate. He falls for her and at first, she remains loyal to Matt before that becomes sour and eventually she and Tyler get together. Personality wise they are good together, they have enough similarities to make it work and enough differences to keep things exciting but there was a problem – Klaus, Tyler had this amazing ability to disappear huge periods of time every season and in his absence the Ultimate Evil took a interest in his girl. Long story short, it got so bad he had to leave for good and that was the end.

Klaus and Caroline fascinate me in a way that I don't really understand them. Caroline is all kittens and sunshine with some vampire bat fangs and who can blame even Satan spawn for wanting to covet her for his own? I guess it's a Hades and Persephone dynamic. Klaus wants her as his 'light', Caroline rejects him without remorse until she somehow (Stockholm Syndrome?) falls for him too and they rule the world together. It's the bad boy and good girl dynamic I guess. Klaus can get reformed by Caroline or Caroline becomes his Dark Queen.

But there lies the rub. Either way would destroy their sole character. Caroline has values and she respects life and resents Klaus for everything he stands for. Klaus' need to never be alone may be assuaged but he will constantly have to live up to Caroline's expectations so opposite of his character, I cannot see their relationship going anywhere but towards resentment before the first decade was up.

They are lovely together, beautiful and sweet and cute and frustrating. Their banter is a joy to watch and their chemistry undeniable. But are they right for each other? I think not. Caroline deserves better than to be just someone's light and Klaus should have someone who can accept him for who he is. And sure, the fantasy of him taking her away and showing her the world is nice but Caroline doesn't need him to do that. She can see it all on her own.

Rebekah's earliest known romance (revealed to us anyway) was Alex who was one of The Five. An Original vampire and a vampire hunter is right from the start a disaster bound to end badly and it did. She fell for him while learning of The Five's secrets and he betrays her, tries to kill her and her family. She believed that he would marry her and they even picked church and she was supposed to take the cure and live happily ever after with him but it doesn't happen.

Fast forward to the 20's and we meet Stefan the Ripper who's charming and vicious and bloodthirsty to the core. She intrigues him from the moment they meet, they spark and she even considered leaving Klaus for him but she gets daggered and put away in a box for decades. Worst yet, Klaus compels Stefan to forget about her and he does, moving on and eventually falling in love. Rebekah wakes up from her sleep to find the boy she was willing to give herself to moved on and doesn't love her anymore. So she hurts him as he has hurt her and it's antagonism and hate from there until finally…they reach an understanding.

They both crave their humanity and for the first time, he begins to look past her illusions and starts to see her for who she is. He introduces her to 80's dance moves and comforts her about Kol's death. But he still chooses Elena and that understanding between them ends. She is thrown aside once more. And maybe in a world where they were both human and there was no Elena, he could've loved her, could've made her happy. And she him.

Matt is the representation of everything Rebekah desires. He's normal, sweet, kind, and trustworthy. He gives her his jacket so she won't be cold even if she doesn't need it. Matt is a nice guy, all apple pie America and Rebekah wants to get lost in the fantasy that she's a normal girl that she can be loved. But she botches it up because as nice as Matt is he judges her. He cannot understand her and grows to dislike her especially after she causes Elena's death.

I don't really consider Damon a romance for Rebekah but I guess I have to include him. It was a one night stand to regret. Matt rejects Rebekah after Kol breaks his hand and Elena hurt Damon's feelings so they're both lonely in a bar and thought, hey why not? Then Damon decided to seduce Rebekah to get some info from her, she finds out and botches his plan by burning Wickery Bridge. Then she later kidnaps him and tortures him. Their dislike for each other just grows from there and it's obviously not going to go anywhere since Damon will always choose Elena over everyone and Rebekah doesn't really like him that much.

Caroline and Rebekah both have had love interest who couldn't deal with something about them whether it is vampirism or their personality. They've both been judged and rejected by boys for things they cannot help. They both been used (coincidentally both by Damon) and yet Caroline found love with boys only having to leave due to extreme circumstances. Rebekah was never really loved by any boy and even as she pines for it, she feels as the Matt in her hallucination points out, "You don't find love because you don't deserve it".

**Conclusion**

There are many similarities between these two lovely and unforgettable blondes but I refuse to say that they are carbon copies because they are not. You may point out that Caroline has been luckier in her relationships and experiences but both have gone through hardships and both dealt with it differently which is where they really become their own character.


	2. Fatal and Futile

_**Fatal and Futile: Why I Ship Kol and Caroline**_

I can just imagine many of my loyal readers reactions when I first posted my first Koroline fic. And then how they must've felt when I discontinued all my Forwood WIPs to focus on Koroline completely.

Why did I do it? Why did I abandon a ship that I've been shipping since Season One that became real and was a canon couple? Why did I abandon a yacht for a raft? Those questions I will answer here.

**Back to the Start**

We should always start at the beginning and what caused my fall into an abyss of delusion and wishful thinking. It started with an idea. A really crazy one, irrational, illogical and impractical but it was there. I became curious of Kol from his first appearance. Who can forget the look on Klaus' face when Kol appeared, smirking, saying, "Long time brother"? He was fascinating to me at the get-go and I knew he'd be epic and I wanted to ship him with someone but I didn't know who.

Kennett was everywhere on Tumblr though and that should've been the solution. I should've jumped on that ship because the witch and the Original? So cool, right? I didn't think so. The truth is I never liked Bonnie. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate her and I admire a lot of things about her character but I just never quite clicked with her like I did with Caroline and all the other female characters like Katherine, Rebekah, Anna and Rose.

I like Kat Graham and I think Bonnie is loyal, brave and fierce. But she was just not for me. And because of that, I couldn't ship her with Kol. So I was lost for a bit until a fic was written.

_prettypinklips_ wrote a one-shot called 'don't you dare fall in love without me' and it wasn't perfect, the portrayal of Kol was a little off-the-mark for me but the idea was there. Sweet Caroline and the Mischievous Original. I like the idea and it was planted it my head so I made two fan vids of them but I wasn't a big enough fan to write fics yet.

Then another fic came. _but seriously_ wrote the fic that got me on the Koroline ship. It was called 'hello again, friend of a friend' and it was funny, crazy, beautiful, sweet and sad. It was just perfect and it drew me in, I liked how she portrayed Kol and Caroline. I wanted them together. I liked the idea of Caroline reading Harry Potter to Kol and Kol denying his feelings for Caroline because he couldn't handle it.

The dynamic was something that appealed to me. They were snarky, sarcastic, funny and totally insane but had the potential to be heartbreaking, soulful and painful. They had that transformative quality, the ability to be put in any genre and situation and still work. They had that in common with Dramione, the most epic Harry Potter ship of all. Whether it be dark or light, funny or sad, they could make it work. They could fit in because they're personalities clicked in a way that even if the story wasn't supernatural, it would still be entertaining.

That was a mark of a good ship for me and it didn't matter if it was canon. In fact, I shun canon most of the time because those ships had their story come true, I felt like the ones that didn't happen deserve to have their story written even just in fan fiction.

I shipped Forwood for almost three years and I began to see my limits and flaws when writing them. I spent a long time trying to get the rhythm of writing Caroline, then Tyler and finally the two of them together. I finally got comfortable that writing them became second nature but the thing was – they lacked flexibility for me. Maybe it was just my fault as a writer but I knew that if I wrote Forwood in a All-Human setting, I would get bored quickly. Because what did initially attracted me to Tyler Lockwood was his being a werewolf, I only grew to like him when I wrote him.

I don't want to go much into why I lost faith in Forwood so I'll just leave it at – they were not flexible enough for me. And for me, Koroline was but I would not find that out till later when I began writing for them.

**Lead Me into the Fics**

After _but seriously's_ fic, I was a Koroline shipper but just part-time because I was still trying to hold in to Forwood even when my enthusiasm and love for them just wasn't what it used to be. But I had that urge I got when I wanted to write an idea and I spent a draft or two trying to get the rhythm for them. It felt like a new dance, I'd been dancing Forwood for so long, I had to start new and it was different and exciting and very difficult.

I just wasn't that inspired yet and then there first non-direct interaction (and the only one ever really). Kol gets bored and badgers Klaus into hanging out with him at The Grill, Caroline walks in with a mission and Kol goes "I remember her from last night. She looks like a tasty little thing". Klaus threatens to tear out his liver and asks Caroline to have drink with them. Kol raises his glass in agreement and Caroline stares at him for a second before answering, "I'd rather die of thirst but thanks".

One scene together seriously and it was enough for me. It would all I'd ever get really but that one scene, that one moment drowned in dozens of Forwood and Klaroline moments was all I'd ever see. I got a single scrap when I never expected to get any. And before I knew it, very cynical me became hopeful. And that hope became, yes, delusion.

I wanted to write Koroline but I did not have a plot I wanted to do for them. I was trying to find one when I was re-reading old unfinished Harry Potter fics. One of them was _attica_'s How to Be Dead. And I shamelessly stole the title and plot of a dying boy and the girl being in love with him despite it and I just wanted to give it a go. So with that fic and the Snow Patrol song of the same title echoing in my head, I wrote my first Koroline fic.

It was interesting for me, being in a new ship with a small to non-existent fan base felt like I was starting from scratch again. I wasn't the go-to writer for Forwood but a lot of people read my most popular one Too Shy To Scream and I was comfortable in that fan base. But I've always considered myself to be a little fish in a small pond and Forwood was a pond that became lake or maybe even a sea. And there was too many big and small fishes in my water world and I thought, as lovely as the people were, I need my swimming room.

Koroline isn't even a pond, it's a puddle. And yes, including me there was around a few small fishes in there but there was no danger of oxygen depletion. So I didn't expect anyone to read my Koroline fic. I hoped but I was trying to stay realistic and then some of my fans (who knew me for my Forwood stuff) read and they were nice about it. Then I met new readers and I liked it. I liked that feeling of being part of a small and hopeful club like Forwood used to be before it happened on the show.

I still wasn't used to writing Kol I wanted to so I wrote Black Hearts. And to be honest, that is probably one of the worst things I have ever written and I've written a few bad ones when I was twelve and just starting to learn how to write creatively. But it was fun and people liked it for some reason so I got encouraged and kept writing and writing until I couldn't write for Forwood anymore. And I officially said goodbye to that ship and discontinued my fics for them. I was lost in Koroline land and I never wanted to get out.

Then of course, Kol got killed on the show.

**Drowning and Disillusioned **

And my dreams were shattered. I'm a realist, alright, I knew that Koroliine logically speaking would not happen on the show but I hope for interaction. I wanted Nate Buzolic and Candice Accola to snipe at each other and make my heart pitter-patter, I would've taken anything really. But Kol's death put a knife in my heart, not just for my ship that would never get more scraps but because I saw so much potential in Kol. While writing for him, I began to try to understand him and see past the layers and make him more than a two-dimensional 'happy homicidal maniac'. But he was dead, killed before any real character development could happen and it was such a waste.

As Chace Crawford's character in Twelve put it, "The tragedy lies, they were robbed of their future and the possibilities that lay within them and these lives will never be replaced".

It was too soon, too cruel, too senseless. I could rant forever about Julie Plec's incompetency as a writer but I neither have the time nor the control to not hit something out of anger if I do, so I'll just say this – she wasted a good character. Kol had potential and I know that he had layers to him, there was more to him. But the chance they give Klaus, they wouldn't give to Kol. And I can never forgive that.

I wrote fics for a while in my denial, it went on for a few weeks until – It. Sunk. In.

Kol was dead. Caroline was going to end up with Klaus. And I was stupid for routing for ships that never came true. My track record for shipping has never been reliable. I liked shipping the ones that never had a chance and it is my own fault if I am disappointed when they aren't endgame. This led to a Tumblr post about my ships always ending up losing or never happening and I was sad and disillusioned about it. I had enough of being bored with canon ships, shipping uncanon ones, and wishing for it so badly only for me to end up heartbroken again.

I hated myself for being such a delusional ninny and always routing for the weird ships and I wanted to stop so I didn't write anything for a while, just listening to a bunch of sad music all day because it was over for me. I was done.

**The Return to Madness**

But who was I kidding? I couldn't stay away from my unlikely and doomed OTP. I'm a drug addict and Koroline is my hit. I need to take it or I'll die. I don't care if it's bad for me, being away from it makes me feel ill inside. And I will always crave it.

Then a lovely reader of mine sent me some Koroline stuff. Just an interview of Candice Accola playing marry, kiss, kill and she chose Kol to kiss among the Original boys because "why not?" and it was a another scrap. Not a real one but enough for me to nibble on again.

Another scrap was a picture of Candice Accola and Nate Buzolic together, smiling at the camera and being cute together. And for a moment, there it was my Koroline frozen in a picture where I can draw thousands of words and stories from.

I needed those things badly, it renewed my faith and I'm lost in Koroline land again where I'm not writing for myself anymore, I have these small amount of reviewers who enjoy my work and are lost in the land of Vampire Ken and Barbie until we have to drink the Jabberwocky blood and go back to the real world.

Is it healthy? Probably not. Is it crazy? Hell yes! Is it delusional? Very much. But do I love it? YES!

I'm happy in my little puddle with all those lovely little fishes. And I don't think I'll ever be a big fish and I'm okay with that. My ship will never be an ocean and I'm okay with that. I'll just keep writing as Dory said, "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. Oh, I love to swim!"


End file.
